Somewhere only WE know.

Here’s the funny thing – I was thinking about writing this blog since I woke up yesterday. The moment everything started happening — people left, we went to Jummah, I saw my favourite baby — Nadira. She’s chunky, gorgeous, and so sweet. Okay, so, before I dive into that, I have to say what made me even start writing this – because even though I wanted to since yesterday, I didn’t know where to start. So… we can start with – so why don’t we go, somewhere only we know?

Here. Mostly, is that place. Okay, yeah, my inspiration came in the form of a song that I hadn’t heard in…forever. But, I was looking through galleries on TDA and stumbled into this really cool Junior gallery – and her whole theme was that song. I became obsessive. “Dude, I know that song! This is gonna bother me… ACCKK.” And then I finally decided I’d listen to it, and here I am listening to Keane’s song, thinking about Twilight even more.

Well, here’s what I’ll say — I began rereading Twilight out of boredom, I’ll be honest, normally I read a book once and forget about it, I’m not much of a re-reader, but the thing I love about Twilight is that it pulls you in so much that you become an obsessive person. Much like the character Bella, who I’d been writing my main character in my head like since before I even read Twilight. Striking, actually, in several ways. The fact that her play-by was the girl now playing Bella, their names are similar, they dress sort of the same.

Things in this world take pleasure in driving me out of my mind.

The saddest part is that I’m the easiest person to get on, because I have no mouth or mind for retorts, even when given the opening and opportunity, which has been proven plenty of times, or at least enough to eliminate all pride I had. Of course, I only know mindless chatter, senseless babbling, eerie things that no one thinks of because they’re so ridiculous.

—I’m not normal. And something, I’m not sure what, prompted a self-speech the other day at the conference where I told myself how proud I was… Yep. I know, queer [as folk].

So basically, this is the last…two days…

Friday morning, I wake up to the giggling of two little children, my mind groggy and thinking in overdrive about why my future had caught up with me so fast, and why they had said I slept funny. At the girls simply asked each other whether or not I was sleeping — or asking my sister, whom I call Ace — with my own words of, “Yes, I’m sleeping.” Yet, I turn over and attack the younger of the two in tickles, and she laughs the laugh that wakes me, and penetrates to my bones. That was how love felt in the form of family. My baby cousin waking me at eight in the morning asking if we could go outside to swing. If it were easier to get fully dressed, I probably would have submitted.

After I slept for another hour or so, I woke up to no more breakfast, but the one thing I wanted — coffee, was still in large supply. I was pleased, and I realised how easy it was to make me happy, and then wondered why I wasn’t always happy, than. I was still happy as I entered the rec room/basement, catching a glimpse of my cousins in my peripheral vision as I set the coffee down and stared at my sister. My obsession with the computer was eased by her being on it — so I picked up the converter, flipping through channels and then stationing it on the music videos. My favourite channel – television wasn’t my thing.

I guess the next few hours passed in a blur, I got bathed, dressed, the whole house did. We set off around the same time. My mums family heading up to New York and us heading off to Newark – I thought it was funny. Her family was odd – to me, at least. I think I inherited my dad’s mind more than my mothers, although I looked scarily like my mother. {Okay, so I went to look at the playlist, and the song that it was on was the Keane song… and I haven’t used the playlist in…forever XD)

So, jummah was me wishing the people I wasn’t going to see for a while g’bye, and receiving things from acquaintances, and we set off for Connecticut. The cheer turned into me reading Twilight, Ace falling asleep, and my father ending up in the Bronx – next turning into him saying we were going back hope. Deflating all the happiness I had in my whole being. My mother saved my skin, after I argued to go – by pointing out that we had already entered CN. So, he kept on. And we arrived, finding ourselves people and splitting up. I happily found Saarah, Ace found her elder sister Safu, and they ended up in Starbucks, and Saarah and I sat and talked for…forever. <3 Beautiful. As Twins, we rarely ran out of things to say.

Next, we threw ourselves into the convention – listening to this lecture, that lecture, hearing about the Torture at Guantanamo Bay, the merits of marriage, the Real life Romeo and Juliet scenes that happened to people. We were being compared, whether by our own standards, or by others, we were under scrutiny, but I was dressed so much more modestly than a lot of others – severely uncomfortable, especially because my attire was bulky.

I found that I was longing for more adequate company, for some reason, which didn’t happen, not that it could’ve. I knew what I longed for didn’t exist, which made me in several ways upset, although I don’t believe I even noticed it at the time — at least not until eleven o’ clock at night when I irritably walked away from the young girls entertainment session, and found myself in the end of a lecture; I heard only the end of a story about a woman that survived a plane bombing over thirty thousand feet in the air.

He didn’t want us to think there was such a thing as cheating death, so much as everything was predetermined.

I loved the speakers there, Siraj, Yasir, Khalid — that guy was twenty five, but so wise. My second day was heading to the wedding far too fast for my approval. No way, I hated leaving, I protested the wedding vehemently for almost two months – and yet I was still being forced to go. It was torture. So, we went, going to my mums sisters house to get dressed. (The thing about my family is that I refuse to be related to my mothers side except for about four people. My dad’s side is where I would stay.)

The wedding was funny, because it was my dad’s side marrying my mums side. Didn’t coolie people know anyone other than themselves? I swore to myself I’d marry someone that wasn’t from the Caribbean. Whilst later rolling my eyes because…I didn’t want to ever get married. {An Edward was too much to hope for.} So, during the wedding, I kept myself occupied by reading Twilight, seldom answering a few short answer questions from my dad’s nephew Adam. The food area opened and I continued to read, not until my table emptied of family and filled with strangers – who were family I didn’t know, nor wanted to know. I joined the line, and my dad showed me the ‘VIP’ area he’d gotten. We were sure that the madness would start soon.

Music.

Did I write madness? Whoops… {{Or not.}}

It was times like that where I wondered if I was truly adopted — it would explain SO much. I was the BIGGEST misfit of my whole familie(s). Hands down. I wasn’t annoying like Hanna, smart like Ace or Ruq, religious like Rid, flirtatious like Mut. I was plain, like Rae, me. The bright side was that dad had promised that i fit got too annoying we’d leave early, I was wondering when that would come. The last words I remember saying to Adam before I went back to the VIP lounge was, “I hate weddings.” Which, in tons of ways, was untrue. I actually enjoyed weddings – religious ones – and not the phony ones like the one I was at.

Once we stepped outside, I breathed in the fresh (okay, NYC-air-fresh, not real fresh) -air. But then I caught a whiff of smoke and stopped breathing completely, looking up only to see Shafeek with Basheer, having a cig. I glared, shook my head, and walked back inside waiting for dad. Hell, I’d given him chances, but I wasn’t going to die of lung problems, breathing problems, or just second-hand smoke/stink. Hate me if you would, but I did basically take nursing classes with both of my parents.

I knew some things about medicine, and the likes. I just…didn’t like socialisation, conversations with people outside of my comfort zone was like torture for the mind, body, and soul. So, after we did leave the wedding, we drove home, where I changed into pajamas, and jumped onto my bed to read more of Twilight. I was addicted once again. Was it a surprise? Nope. most likely not.

Then I remembered. I was having more of my mums family over on Sunday. And it was her crazy sister, her husband that was constantly drinking, their psycho daughter that I thought was mentally challenged, and their other daughter, who was sort of ridiculous. But how could I judge??? WHAT was wrong with me? I was being SO hypocritical. So I shut my thoughts up, read s’more, and came downstairs, the time around two AM, on June sixth. Ace was on, and the moment she got off, Geej had me, and I had TDA comments, posts, and a name change: .Raen — I was SOSOSOSO happy! (Yes, that made me happy, see how easy my happiness comes??) and I saw the gallery, and started to post.

Now, it’s near time for Fajr, so I think I have to zoom before the rents kill me =] I love my peeps <3 And uhm, the song I’m listening to that is ending just said, “You’re prince has come.” — hm… I wish? Anyway. *Shuts up*

EDIT: Weird how, the only thing that would make me get married was prince charming jakeward (whodoesn’texist) and yet, anything along the lines of dating I’d kill, and I just said I’d never like a coolie guy, which is like, every guy I know. Plus, guys from school are dafter than daft, and too pompous. I should stick to fiction… NOW I’ll shut up.