Manic Ramblings!

I’ve got these kind of weird butterflies in my stomach, I don’t know why, I’m actually not sure about anything right now. I’m sitting here at the computer desk at ten to midnight all alone, no sister behind me watching TV and I can’t help but feel like I know nothing. I’m now stuck in one of those moments when you feel so infinitesimally small – like an ant does or whatever. And I’ve got butterflies. I’m going to stress that, mainly because I have no idea what it means or why I have it.

I just finished a book, not saying I haven’t read it before, because the truth is – it’s one of those corny Meg Cabbot books that you reread when you’re feeling like you need a good sappy romance or teenage cliche. And it was all of that, and it was great. I finished the book – after leering several times over parts I was appalled with (reiterating, I’ve read this before) – and stood affront the room mirror grinning like a middle school fool. Now, I’m a junior in High School, but there’s nothing I want more than to not be  living the way I currently live.

Okay, I suppose it’s not that bad. Everything that’s wrong with my life can easily be traced and reasoned to being completely and utterly my fault. No, I’m willing to admit it. I do nothing to hinder the ever increasing amounts of horror that seems to want to invade my life. In fact, I have screamed, fretted, worried, and probably pulled out hair trying to confront it. But I’m too weak. I’ve asked for help – from God (and you can laugh if you want, but he usually works.) – but it’s not enough. I’m getting something, just not enough. With me, nothing is ever enough.

I’m not going to start about how my life is so terrible. Merlin, no, if I do – I give anyone reading this permission to shank me. Seriously. I’m not on a rail. I’m looking for a remedy, and writing has helped in the past. The thing is, I’m in writers block. I’m not sure if that’s ironic (and if I get it wrong, I know I’ll regret it.)

So, what this thing comes down to is that I’m kind of desperate for some help. I just don’t have anyone else but God to ask it of. I’m kind of falling down this deep pit of failure… and it’s bad. I mean, I’m not…

I need the pressure to kind of ebb off, and for life to sort of keep me in the loop instead of pushing me out of the way. It’s all going by too slow, but I’m still getting stuck and falling behind and I have no idea how.

And yet, I’m still smiling. Because I just read a great book. And I’m about to start ANOTHER one. FTW RaRa. Yes. I’m kind of happy. Topsy Turvy feelings. It’s when I go to school (at 7.25AM nonetheless) that the whole sinking thing really hits me. Or maybe afterwards, when I struggle with what to do. Art, homework, TV, sister, masjid. WHAT?! I’m being torn apart, yo. Too many different directions. I kind of just wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life so that I could focus on what would get me there, and not have so many different things trying to pick me apart.

Well, guess what. I’m going to NOT let this happen next quarter. I’m going to get A’s. B’s at the lowest, and if I slip, I’m probably going to end up mentally hurting myself. But that wouldn’t be my fault, that would be COLUMBIA’s fault. SO. Yeah.

Anyway. I think I should probably stop my manic ramblings and head in for the night. (AKA go read Beastly by Alex Flinn.)

I love the ideas I entertain of life and how I’ll one day live it, and I guess I love you too, huh?

-Rae

Memories That Fade Like Photographs

It seems way to many conversations people have once they grow up have the words, “Remember the old days, when…” etc. Or maybe that’s just how I grew up, hearing from my cousin Mutty on at least a weekly basis, those words. We haven’t even grown up yet, but we miss the innocence and ignorance of our youth, from which we grew up around terrible people that always tried to shoot us down, and yet… we never did suspect. Or, perhaps, like many other things, I’m imagining. But, nowadays, you have these little kids running around, acting like they’re aged, not holding on to the youth adults always wished they cherished more. It’s a joke.

Just this evening, someone yelled at a little girl for her actions, and her own father sat mere inches away and said nothing, whether because he didn’t care, or because he knew the man that had yelled at his daughter was correct. My brother said, “When we were their age, and did anything like what they do, any one at that Masjid would have put us in our place, but you got these kids running around acting like idiots and ain’t nobody saying anything.” And my sister, “Asif used to go and complain about us all the time, look at how retarded his kids came out.” I’m not trying to instigate, or be rude, but when the truth smacks you in the truth, what can you say?

I don’t quite remember the things they used to put me through, in truth, if I try to imagine it, I’ll never have it just right. I know they used to screw with me, and at times I’d fight back. But it wasn’t as personal when I did. When Faatimah insulted my best friend, guess who ended up pinned against the wall, crying? Well, her, and then her mother tried to deal with me… Ha. I always found solace in my family, Shaz, Ace, Waffy, Ruq. They never abandoned me, my brothers never did either. Zak, Rid, Mut.

I could say I miss my childhood, and it would be the truth. I miss being able to run around, knowing my place, knowing who I was. My dad loved me, then, even though my mom didn’t… that never bothered me. Now…

Have you ever felt like you don’t fit? Like you’re not good enough?

Now I feel that all the time. I’m not a good enough best friend for Shaz. I’m not a good enough cousin. I’m not a good enough kid. I’m not a good enough sister. I’m not a good enough girl. I’m not a good enough student. I’m not a good enough Muslim. I’m not a good enough writer. I’m not a good enough…human. Waste of a life. The concept, at least. I don’t personally consider myself a waste of a life, because I know I have to pray, and try to be good enough. And yet, sometimes I never think I’m living for me.

Even if I am living, I don’t exactly know where I fit. I don’t have a designated place or niche in school, because I don’t really consider school a big part of my life. When I’m at NIA, I always feel out of place. There’s too much division and I’m not sure which place I belong to. Of course, I have my family, but I still don’t feel right there sometimes.

The concept, “To feel alone in a room full of people,” has fit for me for way too long. I’m surrounded by people, all the time, but I always fall away. At home, I hide behind the computer and the music, drown out the sound, turn so I can’t see anyone else, hide. At the masjid, I always mingle, but when everyone seems so preoccupied, I have that drowning feeling, and I pull away. I sneak to the back fence, stare at the blackness, think, hide. They’re all talking amongst themselves, I head for the open lawn and breathe. I don’t belong there.

It’s funny how I’m so dependent, and then independent, and all I want is that perfect company. Even just that one person that I could stand in silence with and everything would be just fine.

I once wrote: What’s trust? That it could be lost in a moment, and yet you never knew you had it. What’s incarceration, until you figure it out, or try to resist it? What’s love until you’ve lost it? What’s family until you realize you have none? What’s friends when you realize they don’t exist, it’s all’acquaintences’ ? Immortality is as much a curse as it is a gift, and those that see that can make the best out of it.

My words are my solitude, a place of escape – somewhere hidden from the people I know and yet open to the rest of the world. I wish for my words to be read, and yet I know those that I know would tear them down in a second. Because they already have, several times. I’ve never been good enough for them. I just had another memory invoked from EIP’s puking chronicles: “XD just watched about three hours worth of EIP… mostly the puking experiments that def. reminded me of when we were doing ‘how much can you drink before you puke’ by grams… and it was a three way tie between me, saul, and wass… mutty …was the only one that backed out & the only one that didn’t puke… XD funnn”

I actually loved that. Because we had so much fun, ignoring the puking part… we chugged sooo much stuff down, and then at the same time, ran in different directions to puke. Ah, the memories.

In truth, right now I’m legit tired, so I’ll sign off for the night.

-Love Always, A

I just wanna break you down so badly…

I just wanna break you down so badly, while I trip over everything you say… I just wanna break you down so badly, in the worst way…

& I’ve returned to ‘Make Damn Sure’ by Taking Back Sunday, because A) It’s stuck in my head, B) I just made a video featuring that song, and C) It’s kind of applying to a few things right now. I realize I haven’t blogged for quite some time, and not blogging has become a habit I want to break. Writing is a good medium, and I like expressing myself in a way that has free range. I won’t give up everything, I’ve learned my lesson on that already. Don’t share something unless you want the whole world to know about it… Well, I’m going to just reiterate on a few things.

In the last month and a half, Riddy and Mutty came back from Egypt, I went to GT in SA – a trip to the motherland, Ramadan has started, and WE GOT A NEW COMPUTER. Obviously, you can tell which of the events I’m most happy about… nah, just kidding. I think I’m equally happy about all of those things.  The computer happens to be a Dell. Haha… and funnily enough, my brother bought the Dell Studio Laptop. I know, hell-of-ironic.

As Ramadan started, I seriously started thinking about the blog post I wrote last year and how different it would be if I had written one this year. That post seemed so cliche and silly. A youthful banter of some sort…

If I were to have written one this year, it would mostly be about the Pureblood Aristocrats at NIA and how screwed up they are. When I was in Guyana, I learned some terrible things that they did, and yet they seek no guidance or forgiveness for these past sins. They probably justified it and convinced themselves they did the right thing. Oh, the joke. Now, what I told Auntie in Guyana, was true. My parents… my family doesn’t decide who I like or hate. They have never forced me to hang out with specific people, nor put me against someone. They always let me come to conclusions about people myself, and coincidentally, it always happens to coincide with theirs.

Maybe it’s because it’s the honest truth, and with minimal effort it can be seen. More than anything, it saddens me. I’ve lived so many years in the dark about things that I was practically a part of. It just makes me feel little and stupid.

My family is infamous in the motherland, or so I hear. It makes me grin, and then the Elitists grimace. The offspring literally did, today, when I mentioned it. There was a swift but sure subject change.

August 24, 2009 – my sixteenth birthday. It started off boring and usual, although I could tell y sister was trying extra hard not to yell and scream at me, which made me happy. Not much went down. I fasted, prayed, and the next day my mom said ‘oh, yesterday was your birthday?’ hah… But my friends threw me a makeshift party with the promise of a fender strat mini. I couldn’t be more psyched for that… but I’m kind of used to her making promises and never keeping them. It goes along with the whole “I lie to keep people liking me” concept that Ruq discussed.

A big part of NIA life revolves around love – I’m not talking about my kind of love, which is familial and friendly. I’m talking about the “let’s sneak around and flirt” kind of nonsense everyone seems to end up doing. It’s…uncomfortable, and I’ve never been able to do it, no matter what anyone says. I’ve never really liked a guy for more than the want to be a companion, but like everything else at NIA, it becomes warped, twisted, and skewed. I can’t really fix the little roots that some of those girls stuck in the ground about me. And I probably won’t try any more to fix anything I know as untrue. I mean, if I know, my family knows, and God knows… what does it matter what a gullible robot thinks?

My life has been tainted already with the torment I used to go through as a kid, something else I learned over the past year that might explain my my mind doesn’t like remembering my past. How many times this year have I heard, “You had it the worst, of all the kids…” Without a real explanation. Don’t they understand that I want to know what they’re talking about? What happened to me, as a child, that caused me to become so screwed up? Could the answers they give me help clear up some mysteries I’ve found. I always circle back to the Imraan and his family thing… what happened there? Why does it mean so much to me?

Ha, I never figured I’d have so many questions I’d want to ask. [And then I think, and to whom am I even asking these questions to?]

Okay, this post was meant to be short… and now…it’s just not…

For now, all I want to say is that I wish I knew the things that are like black holes in my mind, just so maybe I won’t have so many unanswered questions swirling around. And then that things would be set straight, the right way, at NIA… because there was a time of peace and prosperity, hope and happiness there, without the taint of drama, scandal, and planned out screw overs. And it’s funny how we even have that taste of corruption in a mezquita, of all places.

-Fred

[ps - still waiting around for that bffl.]

Neurotics, Psychotics, and Psychologists.

It is said that neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent.

I think I’m all of the above, for the most part. I’m more psychotic than neurotic, but I kind of want to be a psychologist. Is that weird, hopefully, yes.

I recently wrote, sporadically and freakishly, sitting on the kitchen floor:

It’s fake. What? These feelings, these emotions. It’s unreal. It’s an impossibility my mind can’t begin to accept. It’s not me. I can’t figure it out. I’m lying to everyone, to myself,  this mask, this facade, it’s like a burden and I can’t shoulder it anymore. It’s breaking. I’m losing every fight. I knew I couldn’t win. I know, and no, I still won’t give up. This is my determination. I’m going to win this time around. I deserve to come out on top once, once before I go forever. I’ve got this one last shot and I’m sure as hell gonna take it. And if I lose, yeah, I’m taking you with me.

It could be my characters, a verse from a book I’ve been thinking of writing, a glimpse of something bigger than me, or something I’m trying to deal with. But the truth is that I have no idea what it is, what it means, or if it even means anything.

The song in my head is ‘good girls go bad’ by cobra starship, because a few months ago, I was doing my music delving and found them. Then z100 released the song and I was like… dude, now, I lost my band… XD It’s stupid, but cool, because now all my friends can hear them without having to look them up, but I like the whole idea of introducing people to something they’ll like and you like, that’s amazing. I’m dorky in that way.

My family from Canada left, and it wasn’t really bad. Minus the fact that both my cousins were sick and showed it several times, including the parking lot at best buy… but still. I liked it, I think Aliyah’s grown on me, we went from bickering in Canada, to piggy-backs in Jersey. All in a days work, right?

This Fourth of July was fun, in whole, although I had to run around my town looking for a good fireworks show, and ended up standing on a streetcorner watching them. It was fun though, because Ace was there and we talked to my biffle, Shaz, and Hawwa.

Currently, I’m talking to one of my favourite cousins, Waffy, and talking to her is making me miss my cousins; Mutty and Riddy, who are studying abroad. They’ll be back soon, though, insha’allah. But anyway, Waffy is awesome. It’s no wonder everyone loves her… :)

Ohh, and I confused my mom again. Because she’s set on my whole ’semi-medicinal-career-choice’ thing, and then today I was just like. You know, I should just be a photographer or videographer. Her facial expression was one in the same with o.O and then she stalked off. Haha, I love her.

ANDANDAND. (I know I’m add…) I went to BEST BUY today. I believe, if I ever make it to Heaven, my house might actually resemble Best Buy, in some ways. I love it. So much techy stuff, awesome D-SLR’s, Notebooks, Laptops, Desktops, Phones, CD’s, TV’s, games, etc. I walked in circles until my cousins complained and made me leave. I would have been there forever, maybe.

I kind of want something like http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?id=pcmprd112400050010&skuId=9999112300050010&type=product&childSku=9375892&count=1 [Dell I545-006B Desktop with Intel® Core™2 Quad Processor Q8200, 20" LCD Monitor & 3-in-1 Printer] for my house, but I really want http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=9166608&type=product&id=1218041150857 [Dell - Studio Laptop with Intel® Core™2 Duo Processor - Spring Green]for me. I know, it’s kind of selfish for me to want anything. XD I just… want a computer. I’m the kind of girl that likes playing around with computers all day, rather than shopping and watching TV and all that.

Sue me? XD

See, my dad sometimes buys things sporadically. Once, we walked into the house and he had bought a dvd/vcr combo thing, and he once traded my moms van for a new car, and once he bought us a Sony Bravia… etc. And we’re very, very far from rich… So I think I’ve waited the last… four-ish years for my dad to sporadically go out and buy a new computer, but it’s never happened. I’m really crazy with this stuff, though. I wish he would, and it’s kind of wrong, because he’s already got a lot to deal with with the house – Central Air installing [himself], and painting the house, and finding another, etc. It’s a lot.

He has no connection to computers, though. He just got email like, three-ish months ago, and uses turbotax when necessary. Earlier, he tried to use his email and the computer near-crashed because we have no memory… he didn’t care, he didn’t know what was happening. It makes me laugh, though, when my parents do techy-stuff. My mom doesn’t know anything at all with computers, and my dad the minimum.

I love my parents.

Plus, guys, ask my cousin Adam how long I’ve had a ‘laptop account’. Since I was like, nine. I’ve saved a dollar. XD Okay, maybe not, but anytime I get around fifty, I have to put it in the bank. So, my conclusion is…if I could, I’d probably live in Best Buy, [it used to be Circuit City, but they went bye-bye]. And plus, one of those Best Buy guys…… had the channel on Michael Jackson. XDD [sure, was that what I was really thinking? ahah]

Altogether, I need help, I want a computer, I’m vibing for some action, I don’t want to chill in NYC with my moms family, I want my biffle, I need sleep, I need music, and I love my parents, siblings, and dads family. Oh, and I’m totally gonna live in best buy. :)

-A [or F, or R...]

The Usual Buzz

…Buzzzzzz :)

Okay, so, firstly. I just want to apologize for the awful header the site has right now – I was told I had to put pictures of myself, rather than actresses and actors and the lot, even though it’s the internet. I still feel safe, though, seeing as how you can’t really see me in any of the pictures. In the far left, I’m wearing sunglasses and am significantly younger than I am now, the picture under the title happens to be Gaspard Ulliel and Clemence Posey, and not me. And then the red guy is Justino, and then that’s me presently, covering my face from the camera. I thought it was a little more realistic… seeing as how I am the opposite of Photogenic completely.

It seems as though, after I’ve read back, I’ve always had something to complain about in my blog posts. I’m also quite constant, and as much as I dislike whining, I reserve my right to be able to vent through some sort of medium. I have a sister, as you should well know, and I’ve lived with her for my entire life. Also, I am probably going to spend the rest of my life living with her if we continue at this pace.

I want to complain about my sister, but the truth is I’d regret it, as much as she drives me mad, I love her. It’s utterly ridiculous, but what can I say?

….As for my day? Started out so great and I have no idea why. I had about two or less hours of sleep last night, had to wake up for summer-class before seven-thirty, and then laughed and smiled for the first half of my five-hour class. God knows why… My euphoria became a little more manageable and toned down by the time I had to leave, and then my weekend started. I got home, cleaned my room, packed my clothes, etc, and then sat down at the desktop to check TDA, PP, and FB. I saw a challenge on TDA and it quickly became my activity.

My siblings, though, were around, cleaning and whatnot (should have brought a camera, darnit.) and I was absorbed – I had to make 10 (700×110px) banners and follow the rules – it was hard, fun, and took around four/five hours.

Now it’s all just kinda pent up inside, whatever I’m feeling, and I can’t exactly get it out. But writing helps, it always does. I’ll just add that my mothers…family is coming over for vacation. I’m not excited, for the most part, as that involves socializing and probably shopping… No me gusta la familia de mi madre porque ellos son locos. (/end awful spanish) Currently, my mom is talking to her sister who is set to arrive tomorrow, I believe.

I’m convinced, really, that if I have a good rest, seeing as how in the last week I’ve had a total of about 15ish hours of sleep where I was supposed to have about 40+? I’m not sure, all I know is that I’m exhausted, and delusional, but that I can’t really fix.

Life…is pretty good. Really, I was at a beautiful wedding on Friday night, and something funny happened. But that’s neither here nor there, but it was like one of those things that you can’t change, but don’t wish you could go back… weird. I’m content for the most part, if you factor out the cruddy-computer mess, and the familial issues and all that. It’s summer, but camp is canceled… MY camp. The camp I’ve been going to every single year of my life? The camp that I spend forever waiting for and am way sad when it ends too fast? Canceled. Damn New Yorkers. :/ Jerks.

Anywhoot, I’m just catching up on some stuff on PP, scared to post at the wedding because dude? It’s all family and then me. Like, that’s awkward, plus, if the character you play is still vibing for the character that just got married… We’ve got some major issues. Internally of course, because she’d hate if anyone, besides her friends that aren’t so close to the newlyweds, knew. And… oh drama. :)

So, I hope my complaining and ranting didn’t make you want to run away or hate me :/ I’m just coasting for a while.

-Love much, A.